Is anybody going to watch the stage-managed farce of a presidential debate tonight? Don't waste your time--read a book, vandalize a condo, or better yet, buy Meat a hot meal and a room at the Y. You'll be glad you did, and feel better about yourself.
The candidates can't address each other directly; no rebuttals are permitted, unless stipulated by the moderator; the candidates cannot be approached physically; the press cannot film reaction shots of the candidates. What kind of a high school debate club would accede to these ridiculous rules? Kerry doesn't even have to be in the same room as Bush to do this "debate!"
The actual contract was a pile of concessions to Bush just to get him to show up--it was pretty obvious from the outset he didn't want to do this at all. "Bubble Boy" knows he can't compete in an honest Ciceronian donnybrook with a seasoned senator like Kerry--debate and oratory is the lifeblood of congress. Tonight's rules make it closer to Dubya's preferred format--reading cue cards in front of a blue screen, and fleeing the lectern without having to answer questions.
All this handicapping and lowering of expectations for the Short Bus President makes it easier for the press establishment to portray Dubya as a legitimate, engaged leader...and to keep the race close. An actual discussion of issues is beside the point. If Bush shows up, manages a few clever one-liners and doesn't do a rhetorical Bud Dwyer in front of the cameras, he's clearly won!
And any infraction of the ground rules, real or imagined, gives Bush an immediate pretext to cancel the rest of the debates.
Man...for a guy who hates trial lawyers, Bush made sure Jimmy Baker got him that bowl of M&Ms (without the brown ones) in his dressing room.
The candidates can't address each other directly; no rebuttals are permitted, unless stipulated by the moderator; the candidates cannot be approached physically; the press cannot film reaction shots of the candidates. What kind of a high school debate club would accede to these ridiculous rules? Kerry doesn't even have to be in the same room as Bush to do this "debate!"
The actual contract was a pile of concessions to Bush just to get him to show up--it was pretty obvious from the outset he didn't want to do this at all. "Bubble Boy" knows he can't compete in an honest Ciceronian donnybrook with a seasoned senator like Kerry--debate and oratory is the lifeblood of congress. Tonight's rules make it closer to Dubya's preferred format--reading cue cards in front of a blue screen, and fleeing the lectern without having to answer questions.
All this handicapping and lowering of expectations for the Short Bus President makes it easier for the press establishment to portray Dubya as a legitimate, engaged leader...and to keep the race close. An actual discussion of issues is beside the point. If Bush shows up, manages a few clever one-liners and doesn't do a rhetorical Bud Dwyer in front of the cameras, he's clearly won!
And any infraction of the ground rules, real or imagined, gives Bush an immediate pretext to cancel the rest of the debates.
Man...for a guy who hates trial lawyers, Bush made sure Jimmy Baker got him that bowl of M&Ms (without the brown ones) in his dressing room.
by at 3:50 PM
Looks like Wrecked Grossman has been messed up real good. Chicago's lone QB hope is out for the rest of the Bears' season. What was it, 6 total NFL games for this kid and he's out for, at best, a year? Hot damn, I'm glad I put off ordering that "Grossman" jersey! Of course, maybe I should go ahead and buy one. Perhaps it will be worth something in the future for collectors, just like XFL merchandise, Garbage Pail Kids, and those "Keyes for U.S. Senate" lawn flags that I'm going to steal tomorrow.
by at 1:40 AM
BAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
It looks like Alan Keyes has a daughter who follows that "selfish, hedonistic" lifestyle he gratuitously slammed Mary Cheney for not too long ago...or so reports the conservative Illinois Leader and a few Gay advocacy blogs.
Get that siren up, Drudge. The pusillanimous mainstream media probably won't touch this for another few days, but remember...you heard it here first (well, sorta).
How much do you want to bet Keyes' response will be along the lines of "it's a private, family matter, and it's none of your business?" Stunning. It's another case of a fundie who piously "reads" the Bible, but apparently skims over most of the New Testament (to say nothing of Matthew 7:1-5).
Or maybe--for the first time in his life, probably--he'll just keep his chump ass mouth shut.
Confucius Say: Don't be Right Wing Christian Asshole Bigot...Your Daughter Turn Out Gay. (It sounds better in the original Manchurian.) I got that in a fortune cookie the other day. It's true!
It looks like Alan Keyes has a daughter who follows that "selfish, hedonistic" lifestyle he gratuitously slammed Mary Cheney for not too long ago...or so reports the conservative Illinois Leader and a few Gay advocacy blogs.
Get that siren up, Drudge. The pusillanimous mainstream media probably won't touch this for another few days, but remember...you heard it here first (well, sorta).
How much do you want to bet Keyes' response will be along the lines of "it's a private, family matter, and it's none of your business?" Stunning. It's another case of a fundie who piously "reads" the Bible, but apparently skims over most of the New Testament (to say nothing of Matthew 7:1-5).
Or maybe--for the first time in his life, probably--he'll just keep his chump ass mouth shut.
Confucius Say: Don't be Right Wing Christian Asshole Bigot...Your Daughter Turn Out Gay. (It sounds better in the original Manchurian.) I got that in a fortune cookie the other day. It's true!
by at 7:54 AM
Okay, a quiz:
Which is easier to smuggle aboard an airliner?
(A)
or
(B)
Please put down your pencils. LINK
Answer: You have a better chance of making your flight if your name is "Gatt" Stevens.
Which is easier to smuggle aboard an airliner?
(A)
or
(B)
Please put down your pencils. LINK
Answer: You have a better chance of making your flight if your name is "Gatt" Stevens.
by at 9:52 AM
Hey, dudes, I'm back from the east coast, and I've brought back a few unusual stories from deep within the country. What's so terribly interesting about small-town life, you may ask? Well, nothing really, but rural America's reflexive apparition of sanctuary from urban decadence allows good old fashioned virtues like greed to fluorish like the nest of termites under the piece of plywood in your neighbor's lawn. Just lift it up, and watch them scatter!
Don't let those sliver-tongued charlatans from the hinterlands fool you...Small Town 'Murika is as rife with corruption and vice as any big city. Like a Mark Twain or Flannery O'Connor story (screw that hack Stephen King), the Devil is simultaneously elusive, yet omnipresent. Don't let down your guard, he just might pay you a visit when you least expect it!
Here's one tale from the country for you...an idyllic community within half an hour's drive from my hometown has the (richly deserved) reputation of the most assiduously enforced village speed limits in all the state. One day a few years ago, an employee of the state's comptroller's office was flagged by the village cops and given a speeding ticket.
Now this town's traffic cops are not your average annoying busybody dicks who will let you off with the drop of a name, a flash of a pretty smile, or a fluorish of some wampum. 30 MPH is THE LAW--no exceptions. This town's cops are so stringent, they even pulled over and fined an entire WEDDING PARTY several years back for going too fast! They probably wrote them up for noise violations, too.
Back to the story: It apparently pissed off the employee so much that when the state implemented an online tracking database for speeding tickets, she thought she would follow up on the moving violation.
To her great surprise, the ticket was nowhere to be found in the entire system. It was as though the incident had never happened, save for the check she had written to the office of the village clerk. Uh oh.
The state conducted a full audit of the village's government, and discovered that the office of the village clerk was cooking the books. Most of the tickets were duly reported and disbursed to the state, but quite a few were kept in a black book. The revenue generated from these went directly to an illegal slush account whose discretion was exercised by...the village clerk herself.
Now, nobody likes to be cheated out of money that they stole fair and square from somebody else...especially governments! Some of the checks were written directly to the clerk's black account, bypassing the village office entirely. The clerk had a significant gambling addiction, and judging by the $70,000+ that was embezzled, the lady wasn't playing the penny slots. The investigation revealed that the village clerk was the spouse of the traffic court judge--the guy who ultimately signed off on everything. He was ultimately cleared of wrongdoing, but don't you think he could have checked up to make sure all these fines were paid properly? Hmm.
And in the end, the clerk was able to duck prosecution with the venerable "busload of nuns and orphans" defense...as a senior citizen, there would be no court in the country that would send a poor elderly lady to the slammer for a crime that would have put a person half her age away for a good long time. She was ordered to repay the embezzled funds, but ultimately walked from doing serious time.
But it would be wrong to blame just the clerk for what happened; everybody in the village government had dirty hands. The village police weren't about to stop their draconian enforcement of speeding tickets for mere piques of conscience. Through their efforts the village could afford its own police force with brand new cruisers, while the rest of the township--and, for that matter, the rest of the county--had to rely on state troopers for help. The police were happy, so the village government was happy. The traffic court judge knew what was going on, and refused to blow the whistle; there was just too much money to be made from this cash cow.
Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
Don't let those sliver-tongued charlatans from the hinterlands fool you...Small Town 'Murika is as rife with corruption and vice as any big city. Like a Mark Twain or Flannery O'Connor story (screw that hack Stephen King), the Devil is simultaneously elusive, yet omnipresent. Don't let down your guard, he just might pay you a visit when you least expect it!
Here's one tale from the country for you...an idyllic community within half an hour's drive from my hometown has the (richly deserved) reputation of the most assiduously enforced village speed limits in all the state. One day a few years ago, an employee of the state's comptroller's office was flagged by the village cops and given a speeding ticket.
Now this town's traffic cops are not your average annoying busybody dicks who will let you off with the drop of a name, a flash of a pretty smile, or a fluorish of some wampum. 30 MPH is THE LAW--no exceptions. This town's cops are so stringent, they even pulled over and fined an entire WEDDING PARTY several years back for going too fast! They probably wrote them up for noise violations, too.
Back to the story: It apparently pissed off the employee so much that when the state implemented an online tracking database for speeding tickets, she thought she would follow up on the moving violation.
To her great surprise, the ticket was nowhere to be found in the entire system. It was as though the incident had never happened, save for the check she had written to the office of the village clerk. Uh oh.
The state conducted a full audit of the village's government, and discovered that the office of the village clerk was cooking the books. Most of the tickets were duly reported and disbursed to the state, but quite a few were kept in a black book. The revenue generated from these went directly to an illegal slush account whose discretion was exercised by...the village clerk herself.
Now, nobody likes to be cheated out of money that they stole fair and square from somebody else...especially governments! Some of the checks were written directly to the clerk's black account, bypassing the village office entirely. The clerk had a significant gambling addiction, and judging by the $70,000+ that was embezzled, the lady wasn't playing the penny slots. The investigation revealed that the village clerk was the spouse of the traffic court judge--the guy who ultimately signed off on everything. He was ultimately cleared of wrongdoing, but don't you think he could have checked up to make sure all these fines were paid properly? Hmm.
And in the end, the clerk was able to duck prosecution with the venerable "busload of nuns and orphans" defense...as a senior citizen, there would be no court in the country that would send a poor elderly lady to the slammer for a crime that would have put a person half her age away for a good long time. She was ordered to repay the embezzled funds, but ultimately walked from doing serious time.
But it would be wrong to blame just the clerk for what happened; everybody in the village government had dirty hands. The village police weren't about to stop their draconian enforcement of speeding tickets for mere piques of conscience. Through their efforts the village could afford its own police force with brand new cruisers, while the rest of the township--and, for that matter, the rest of the county--had to rely on state troopers for help. The police were happy, so the village government was happy. The traffic court judge knew what was going on, and refused to blow the whistle; there was just too much money to be made from this cash cow.
Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
by at 10:24 AM
the american military death toll has reached 1,000, alan keyes continues to espouse his homophobic bigotry, the russians are slaughtering their own children and the republican-led congress is fully prepared to let the assault weapons ban expire monday.
but there are more important and equally dire matters to discuss - namely enduring another season of chicago bears football.
yes, the bears open their regular season sunday against an improving detroit lions squad at soldier field sunday, in what should be another dismal year of football here in this fair town.
lovie smith is the new head coach after bears general manager jerry reinsdorf berated him into taking the job. this requires a little background, but i got this information from unimpeachable sources.
last spring reinsdorf was secretly wooing nick sabin to leave LSU for the bears job, meanwhile publicly interviewing a number of candidates including smith and russ grimm, offensive line coach from the steelers. grimm had no business interviewing for a head coaching position, but he was invited anyway. it was a real head-scratcher. (grimm was promoted as the steelers offensive coordinator this year, fyi)
anyway, reinsdorf offered the job to smith, with a low-ball salary, so smith wisely said, "lemme think about it." to which reisdorf replied, "look we've got a guy (grimm) who will do the job for free. take it or leave it!" great way to start a working relationship, don't you think?
so smith has a new offense headed by quarterback rex grossman, whose NFL experience totals 3 whole games. grossman is also a product of the university of florida which has historically produced disappointing quarterbacks. surround him with an inexperienced receiving corps and a questionable line, and you've got a recipe for disaster.
the defense looks slightly better, with the recent acquisition of wally ogunleye, peanut tillman at the corner and, of course, urlacher. it could be something to build on, but this defense won't make the big plays and win football games.
the schedule is also unforgiving. take a look at the first half of the season:
9/12 vs. lions
9/19 at packers
9/26 at vikings
10/3 vs. eagles
10/17 vs. redskins
10/24 at buccaneers
10/31 vs. 49'ers
11/3 at giants
if the bears don't win sunday, which is conceivable, we could be waiting until halloween for our first bears win. expect a 5-11 season from the bears this year.
but the NFL kicks off tomorrow night, with a very special concert aired on abc before the game, featuring elton john and jessica simpson (because everybody knows football fans love elton john and jessica simpson). it also features toby queef, lazy kravitz and a handful of other losers. what does this have to do with football?
but after the idiotry, expect the new england patriots to knock goober manning's dick in the dirt and throttle the colts.
football is back, and thank god for that!
but there are more important and equally dire matters to discuss - namely enduring another season of chicago bears football.
yes, the bears open their regular season sunday against an improving detroit lions squad at soldier field sunday, in what should be another dismal year of football here in this fair town.
lovie smith is the new head coach after bears general manager jerry reinsdorf berated him into taking the job. this requires a little background, but i got this information from unimpeachable sources.
last spring reinsdorf was secretly wooing nick sabin to leave LSU for the bears job, meanwhile publicly interviewing a number of candidates including smith and russ grimm, offensive line coach from the steelers. grimm had no business interviewing for a head coaching position, but he was invited anyway. it was a real head-scratcher. (grimm was promoted as the steelers offensive coordinator this year, fyi)
anyway, reinsdorf offered the job to smith, with a low-ball salary, so smith wisely said, "lemme think about it." to which reisdorf replied, "look we've got a guy (grimm) who will do the job for free. take it or leave it!" great way to start a working relationship, don't you think?
so smith has a new offense headed by quarterback rex grossman, whose NFL experience totals 3 whole games. grossman is also a product of the university of florida which has historically produced disappointing quarterbacks. surround him with an inexperienced receiving corps and a questionable line, and you've got a recipe for disaster.
the defense looks slightly better, with the recent acquisition of wally ogunleye, peanut tillman at the corner and, of course, urlacher. it could be something to build on, but this defense won't make the big plays and win football games.
the schedule is also unforgiving. take a look at the first half of the season:
9/12 vs. lions
9/19 at packers
9/26 at vikings
10/3 vs. eagles
10/17 vs. redskins
10/24 at buccaneers
10/31 vs. 49'ers
11/3 at giants
if the bears don't win sunday, which is conceivable, we could be waiting until halloween for our first bears win. expect a 5-11 season from the bears this year.
but the NFL kicks off tomorrow night, with a very special concert aired on abc before the game, featuring elton john and jessica simpson (because everybody knows football fans love elton john and jessica simpson). it also features toby queef, lazy kravitz and a handful of other losers. what does this have to do with football?
but after the idiotry, expect the new england patriots to knock goober manning's dick in the dirt and throttle the colts.
football is back, and thank god for that!
by at 4:02 PM
All right. Can America finally agree that Bush was a deserter? Good. I think there are a lot of people who should start lining up to kiss Michael Moore's considerable ass.
But apparently this doesn't matter. ...[Lieutenant Colonel] Lloyd said that singling out Bush for criticism is unfair. ''There were hundreds of guys like him who did the same thing," he said. Yes, Lloyd, and they probably wound up in prison, too, because they didn't have BUSH as their last name.
Ha, and I thought Bush was supposed to be the Responsibility President.
Moreover, why are we suddenly dragging out the Bell Curve when discussing morality? It all sounds so.....CLINTONIAN.
Since Bush refused to denounce a high-profile smear campaign against an actual combat veteran, it seems only fair that his libertine past and checkered service record should now be open for discussion...including his visit to Camp David Crosby not more than a decade ago, after he supposedly found Jesus (probably the name of his dealer).
Coach Karl Rove must be desperate for a time out right about now. How much do you want to bet we see John "The Referee" McCain run out from the sidelines like a good little soldier, blow his whistle, throw a yellow flag and admonish us for "dwelling too much on events that happened 35 years ago?" Behold, the Manchurian McCaindidate.
It appears that no one wanted to hold him accountable. Damn, that's an understatement. From Houston to Harvard to the White House, Bush has never taken responsibility for anything in his life...and nobody will hold him to account.
But apparently this doesn't matter. ...[Lieutenant Colonel] Lloyd said that singling out Bush for criticism is unfair. ''There were hundreds of guys like him who did the same thing," he said. Yes, Lloyd, and they probably wound up in prison, too, because they didn't have BUSH as their last name.
Ha, and I thought Bush was supposed to be the Responsibility President.
Moreover, why are we suddenly dragging out the Bell Curve when discussing morality? It all sounds so.....CLINTONIAN.
Since Bush refused to denounce a high-profile smear campaign against an actual combat veteran, it seems only fair that his libertine past and checkered service record should now be open for discussion...including his visit to Camp David Crosby not more than a decade ago, after he supposedly found Jesus (probably the name of his dealer).
Coach Karl Rove must be desperate for a time out right about now. How much do you want to bet we see John "The Referee" McCain run out from the sidelines like a good little soldier, blow his whistle, throw a yellow flag and admonish us for "dwelling too much on events that happened 35 years ago?" Behold, the Manchurian McCaindidate.
It appears that no one wanted to hold him accountable. Damn, that's an understatement. From Houston to Harvard to the White House, Bush has never taken responsibility for anything in his life...and nobody will hold him to account.
by at 11:55 AM
Holy shit! Zell Miller is a FUCKING PSYCHO REDNECK!!!!
Aren't angry WASPs cute???
It all happened on Hardball on MSNBC after the RNC concluded for the evening. After what was perhaps the most hate-filled, all-out negative speech I've heard this side of Dick Cheney, Chris Matthews challenged Zell on several points from his address. Zell promptly blew his stack and proceeded to get in Matthews' face and challenge him to a duel!!! Get this guy some thorazine.
He's like Foghorn Leghorn and Yosemetie Sam combined. Together with Marvin the Martian Alan Keyes, the GOP has officially gone Looney Tunes. That's All, Folks!
"Ah wish we lived in a time when we still had duels!" Yeah, and midnight riders, lynchings and Jim Crow laws too, you dessicated Dixiecrat. It's a good thing this fucker's retiring this year...I don't think either party would want to claim this loose cannon after tonight.
For what it's worth, I think ol' Zell just singlehandedly erased whatever "bounce" the GOP may have been expecting in the polls next week...way to go, fucktards! It was like an excruciating 10-minute long Dean Scream that will frighten away independents and small children alike.
After tonight's volcanic fulmination of acrid deceit and sulphrous hatred, let there be no question: this has been the single most negative campaign in the history of the US, and it's probably going to get even worse before November 2.
Thanks for "changing the tone," Republicans!
Aren't angry WASPs cute???
It all happened on Hardball on MSNBC after the RNC concluded for the evening. After what was perhaps the most hate-filled, all-out negative speech I've heard this side of Dick Cheney, Chris Matthews challenged Zell on several points from his address. Zell promptly blew his stack and proceeded to get in Matthews' face and challenge him to a duel!!! Get this guy some thorazine.
He's like Foghorn Leghorn and Yosemetie Sam combined. Together with Marvin the Martian Alan Keyes, the GOP has officially gone Looney Tunes. That's All, Folks!
"Ah wish we lived in a time when we still had duels!" Yeah, and midnight riders, lynchings and Jim Crow laws too, you dessicated Dixiecrat. It's a good thing this fucker's retiring this year...I don't think either party would want to claim this loose cannon after tonight.
For what it's worth, I think ol' Zell just singlehandedly erased whatever "bounce" the GOP may have been expecting in the polls next week...way to go, fucktards! It was like an excruciating 10-minute long Dean Scream that will frighten away independents and small children alike.
After tonight's volcanic fulmination of acrid deceit and sulphrous hatred, let there be no question: this has been the single most negative campaign in the history of the US, and it's probably going to get even worse before November 2.
Thanks for "changing the tone," Republicans!
by at 10:23 PM
"don't be economic girly man!"
did conan the governor really say that last night, or is my hearing going. not only is the syntax way off, but it doesn't make any sense. what the hell is an economic girly man?
i've never heard anyone say so little over such a long period of time since kurt cobain rode the bullet train. if you missed the speech (admit it, you had to watch), arnold basically said i love america, don't be a pussy, join the republicans and vote for george bush.
his movies have deeper meaning than his little diatribe last night.
but jesus, did you see those idiots in the garden while spoke? that ate his shit up. even george sr. was on his feet. this guy must really have to screw up in order to lose the faithful.
but no doubt the good people of california will figure out they got suckered before too long.
and arnold is loving every minute if it, you know it. he gets to speak to the nation with a puffed chest and a shit-eating grin on his face. he knows he's full of baloney, and he knows everybody is buying. for him, this is just another role to play.
fuck you in the face arnold (not that i'd actually say that to His face)! you'll get what you deserve before too long.
did conan the governor really say that last night, or is my hearing going. not only is the syntax way off, but it doesn't make any sense. what the hell is an economic girly man?
i've never heard anyone say so little over such a long period of time since kurt cobain rode the bullet train. if you missed the speech (admit it, you had to watch), arnold basically said i love america, don't be a pussy, join the republicans and vote for george bush.
his movies have deeper meaning than his little diatribe last night.
but jesus, did you see those idiots in the garden while spoke? that ate his shit up. even george sr. was on his feet. this guy must really have to screw up in order to lose the faithful.
but no doubt the good people of california will figure out they got suckered before too long.
and arnold is loving every minute if it, you know it. he gets to speak to the nation with a puffed chest and a shit-eating grin on his face. he knows he's full of baloney, and he knows everybody is buying. for him, this is just another role to play.
fuck you in the face arnold (not that i'd actually say that to His face)! you'll get what you deserve before too long.
by at 1:44 PM