More condescending quips from the Comedian-in-Chief! Scroll down to the section entitled More from the First Commedian (Washington Post)
I'm sure you really socked it to him, Dubya! Zing! Bet he didn't see that coming. Trouble is, you just confirmed his observation that you are detached and uninterested in your job. Oops! Good thing it wasn't Saturday at the Apollo, brother. Don't let Dennis Miller write your material, either.
If you're so got-damned bored with being president, I'll introduce your ass to my size 12 HR department! Don't be fooled, there are many people right now who would LOVE to buy you a one-way Greyhound ticket back to your pig farm in Crawford, where you can clear brush, tear wings off flies, pick your nose with car keys, or do anything you want, all the time. Six of them are duking it out in New Hampshire right now for the pleasure of sending you on your merry way in November (I'd count Lieberman, but he seems pretty happy with the job you've been doing so far.)
I'm so pleased to hear that you think the American economy is such a trifling bore...that the livelihoods of workers and small business owners are so much lint spinning round in that empty clothes dryer of yours upstairs. I'm sure the three million Americans who have lost their jobs under your supply-side nightmare would be interested to hear your whimsical Seinfeldian musings on such trivial matters.
Let me tell you a little bit about my life--from somebody who actually has had to work for a living. Every day I go to a stuffy little cubicle in the suburbs and suffer several boring meetings each day, filled with boring people who speak in boring voices about nothing in particular. Then I go back to my cubicle and file a boring report and do some mindless tasks until the bell rings, and I can go home again.
It's BO-RING, but I fuckin' do it anyway, because I have to. What the fuck is your excuse, frat boy? I don't have an aristocratic Social Security plan like yours to fall back on. You got daddy to save your ass from 'Nam in the Texas National Guard, and you couldn't even complete that creampuff sinecure without screwing the pooch! What a fucktard!
The Soft, Pink, Entitled Life of Bush is just a microcosm of the potemkin Republican economic plan...socialize the risks and effort, but privatize the rewards. Make some schlep bust his hump while you sit back and call the shots...sell him out if he screws up. Absolute Power without responsibility or accountability--that's the American Way!
I wonder if the media will hold this up to endless scrutiny like they did the Dean Scream, or how Presidential John Kerry's coiffure is, or how many ambulances John Edwards has chased...SUUUUURE, THEY WILL......
I'm sure you really socked it to him, Dubya! Zing! Bet he didn't see that coming. Trouble is, you just confirmed his observation that you are detached and uninterested in your job. Oops! Good thing it wasn't Saturday at the Apollo, brother. Don't let Dennis Miller write your material, either.
If you're so got-damned bored with being president, I'll introduce your ass to my size 12 HR department! Don't be fooled, there are many people right now who would LOVE to buy you a one-way Greyhound ticket back to your pig farm in Crawford, where you can clear brush, tear wings off flies, pick your nose with car keys, or do anything you want, all the time. Six of them are duking it out in New Hampshire right now for the pleasure of sending you on your merry way in November (I'd count Lieberman, but he seems pretty happy with the job you've been doing so far.)
I'm so pleased to hear that you think the American economy is such a trifling bore...that the livelihoods of workers and small business owners are so much lint spinning round in that empty clothes dryer of yours upstairs. I'm sure the three million Americans who have lost their jobs under your supply-side nightmare would be interested to hear your whimsical Seinfeldian musings on such trivial matters.
Let me tell you a little bit about my life--from somebody who actually has had to work for a living. Every day I go to a stuffy little cubicle in the suburbs and suffer several boring meetings each day, filled with boring people who speak in boring voices about nothing in particular. Then I go back to my cubicle and file a boring report and do some mindless tasks until the bell rings, and I can go home again.
It's BO-RING, but I fuckin' do it anyway, because I have to. What the fuck is your excuse, frat boy? I don't have an aristocratic Social Security plan like yours to fall back on. You got daddy to save your ass from 'Nam in the Texas National Guard, and you couldn't even complete that creampuff sinecure without screwing the pooch! What a fucktard!
The Soft, Pink, Entitled Life of Bush is just a microcosm of the potemkin Republican economic plan...socialize the risks and effort, but privatize the rewards. Make some schlep bust his hump while you sit back and call the shots...sell him out if he screws up. Absolute Power without responsibility or accountability--that's the American Way!
I wonder if the media will hold this up to endless scrutiny like they did the Dean Scream, or how Presidential John Kerry's coiffure is, or how many ambulances John Edwards has chased...SUUUUURE, THEY WILL......
by at 8:24 PM
Check out these Dean Remixes. My favorite is "Stormtroopers of Dean."
by at 11:04 AM
PLEASE READ
Alright, I've tried to curb my drunken, emotional postings. But I have to say something about last night. I thank all of you who came to the show. As you know, we love you guys, and we really appreciate that you braved the terrible weather to support us. Thank you. But here's the thing: We love a party as much as anyone else. We love when you go nutz. Beer throwing, usually ok. You know I love to entertain, and if covering me with beer (instead of drinking it???) makes your time even better, so be it. (On the down side, my pedal board is fucked, my girl slipped on the broken bottles and cut her sexy legs up something fierce and she wouldn't bowl with me tonight, but pay attention because this part is more important....)
Quenchers is cool enough to host our band and treat us like gods. We love that place. No matter what you might think, Quenchers is one of the best clubs in the USA. And when people trash shit, vandalize the bathrooms, and otherwise shit on the place, you are not doing us, nor any rock and roll bands, any favors. We may never be able to play there again, and I'm very upset.
Being drunk is no excuse for what happened. Everyone in this band drinks, and somehow we manage not to shit where we eat.
Since I'm assuming the douche that fucked up the men's bathroom will never own up to this, listen up: DO NOT COME TO SEE KNIFE OF SIMPSON EVER AGAIN. Do not come to see us. We don't need dickheads like you. If it turns out you're someone I know, you need to go to Quenchers and make this right immediately. Be a man and own up to your shit. I've worked too long and too hard for some fuckhead to screw up our shit. And if I see you before you make this right, better wear armor, you fucking fool.
Alright, I've tried to curb my drunken, emotional postings. But I have to say something about last night. I thank all of you who came to the show. As you know, we love you guys, and we really appreciate that you braved the terrible weather to support us. Thank you. But here's the thing: We love a party as much as anyone else. We love when you go nutz. Beer throwing, usually ok. You know I love to entertain, and if covering me with beer (instead of drinking it???) makes your time even better, so be it. (On the down side, my pedal board is fucked, my girl slipped on the broken bottles and cut her sexy legs up something fierce and she wouldn't bowl with me tonight, but pay attention because this part is more important....)
Quenchers is cool enough to host our band and treat us like gods. We love that place. No matter what you might think, Quenchers is one of the best clubs in the USA. And when people trash shit, vandalize the bathrooms, and otherwise shit on the place, you are not doing us, nor any rock and roll bands, any favors. We may never be able to play there again, and I'm very upset.
Being drunk is no excuse for what happened. Everyone in this band drinks, and somehow we manage not to shit where we eat.
Since I'm assuming the douche that fucked up the men's bathroom will never own up to this, listen up: DO NOT COME TO SEE KNIFE OF SIMPSON EVER AGAIN. Do not come to see us. We don't need dickheads like you. If it turns out you're someone I know, you need to go to Quenchers and make this right immediately. Be a man and own up to your shit. I've worked too long and too hard for some fuckhead to screw up our shit. And if I see you before you make this right, better wear armor, you fucking fool.
by at 2:10 AM
A lot of you people out there have been wondering, who does Savage Cochryde back in the Democratic Primary Race? I have to admit, Iíve been withholding my judgment until a candidate really stood above the pack. Well, after seeing the fallout from the Iowa race, Iíve come up with my favoriteÖÖ
HOWARD DEAN!!!
Why Savage, you say, youíve been shit- talking that guy for weeks. I know, dipshits, but something happened that changed my mind, and I reserve the right to change my mind at any time for no particular reason. Did anyone hear Deanís defeat speech in Iowa? The one where heís been attacked by some media squares for letting out a scream at the end of it? Have any of you heard that scream? Here it is!!!!
FEEL MY DEAN!!!!!
(In particular, check out the video/ audio feed in the right hand column. It comes at about the 47 second mark.)
Nice! He sounds like a New England combination of Hulk Hogan and Udo Dirkschneider from Accept! Although I would (probably) never elect Udo Dirkschneider, I would in a heartbeat elect someone who can scream like that. I think thatís what we need right now. Because when I heard that scream, I felt freedom. Freedom I have not felt in three years.
Coming soon: THE DEAN SCREAM BUTTON! So you can hear him scream whenever youíd like. As soon as I can figure out how the fuck to do that, it will appear hear. For now, enjoy the link, and until someone else in the race does something cool, VOTE FOR HOWARD MOTHERFUCKING DEAN!
Eat my poo, Dusty. Dean rulez, dude!!!!!!!!
Donít forget, tomorrow night at Quenchers, come see us rock!!! In the words of Howard DeanÖ.
RAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!
HOWARD DEAN!!!
Why Savage, you say, youíve been shit- talking that guy for weeks. I know, dipshits, but something happened that changed my mind, and I reserve the right to change my mind at any time for no particular reason. Did anyone hear Deanís defeat speech in Iowa? The one where heís been attacked by some media squares for letting out a scream at the end of it? Have any of you heard that scream? Here it is!!!!
FEEL MY DEAN!!!!!
(In particular, check out the video/ audio feed in the right hand column. It comes at about the 47 second mark.)
Nice! He sounds like a New England combination of Hulk Hogan and Udo Dirkschneider from Accept! Although I would (probably) never elect Udo Dirkschneider, I would in a heartbeat elect someone who can scream like that. I think thatís what we need right now. Because when I heard that scream, I felt freedom. Freedom I have not felt in three years.
Coming soon: THE DEAN SCREAM BUTTON! So you can hear him scream whenever youíd like. As soon as I can figure out how the fuck to do that, it will appear hear. For now, enjoy the link, and until someone else in the race does something cool, VOTE FOR HOWARD MOTHERFUCKING DEAN!
Eat my poo, Dusty. Dean rulez, dude!!!!!!!!
Donít forget, tomorrow night at Quenchers, come see us rock!!! In the words of Howard DeanÖ.
RAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!
by at 5:47 PM
It's been unusually cold in the bunker as of late so I decided to surface long enough to remind you grass-dwelling souls of tomorrow night's Chinese New Year festivities, as the ever-swarthy Knife of Simpson take to the stage at Quencher's saloon on Fullerton and Western in Chicago, ETA somewhere between 10 & 11pm. Come and get your mayhem on. And anyone in the know of a dragon train costume should-- oh, I don't have the energy to complete that thought.
But how 'bout that raucous caucus? Yessir, former Paul Revere and the Raiders bass player John Kerry did a fine job promoting his former military career out in the sticks, while John Edwards-- whom I like among the pithy Dem fielty, though I can't stand his hooey "speaking with the dead" schtick-- came across as nice & polite as quilted toilet paper. Meanwhile, The Schmuck (Howard "The Dick" Dean) and Captain Yesteryear (Dick "Labor Unions Are Fine When There's Actually Work to Go Around" Gephardt) got caught in their own poo-flinging and lost serious face. Good for you, Iowa. Send the signal out that internal cripple-fights never garner a win come the Big Fall ponyshow.
My ultimate prediction: a Kerry/Edwards ticket that will be punched vigorously by an overeager usher named Karl Rove.
Mars... what is it good for?
But how 'bout that raucous caucus? Yessir, former Paul Revere and the Raiders bass player John Kerry did a fine job promoting his former military career out in the sticks, while John Edwards-- whom I like among the pithy Dem fielty, though I can't stand his hooey "speaking with the dead" schtick-- came across as nice & polite as quilted toilet paper. Meanwhile, The Schmuck (Howard "The Dick" Dean) and Captain Yesteryear (Dick "Labor Unions Are Fine When There's Actually Work to Go Around" Gephardt) got caught in their own poo-flinging and lost serious face. Good for you, Iowa. Send the signal out that internal cripple-fights never garner a win come the Big Fall ponyshow.
My ultimate prediction: a Kerry/Edwards ticket that will be punched vigorously by an overeager usher named Karl Rove.
Mars... what is it good for?
by at 1:33 PM
good mlk weekend for carolinians and massholes, huh?
not only do they see their professional football warriors make it to the big one, but they see their 2 candidates inch their way closer to the promised land, too.
the two johns sure pulled a stunner in that there iowa, but the real question is does anyone care what those buck-toothed, big-eared corneaters have to say about who the next president should be? especially at this point?
also consider they insist on using that obtuse caucus forum. controlled chaos is more like it. the more i hear about how the process works, i wonder if iowa is just one big banana republic located in the heart of 'merica.
hope the iraqis like, too, cause that's what they're gonna get - like it or not! they'll probably thinks it's democracy anyway since they don't know the difference.
new hampshire is just as crazy and the winner there won't be president either.
fine. let the kooks have their say. they deserve it just as much as anyone else.
i am looking forward to super tuesday though (but not as much as the super bowl). i suspect we'll see big wins by edwards.
and as far as kerry goes, the question isn't how did he do so well in iowa, but rather how did he get of too such a poor start? we'll see how far this "momentum" takes him.
not only do they see their professional football warriors make it to the big one, but they see their 2 candidates inch their way closer to the promised land, too.
the two johns sure pulled a stunner in that there iowa, but the real question is does anyone care what those buck-toothed, big-eared corneaters have to say about who the next president should be? especially at this point?
also consider they insist on using that obtuse caucus forum. controlled chaos is more like it. the more i hear about how the process works, i wonder if iowa is just one big banana republic located in the heart of 'merica.
hope the iraqis like, too, cause that's what they're gonna get - like it or not! they'll probably thinks it's democracy anyway since they don't know the difference.
new hampshire is just as crazy and the winner there won't be president either.
fine. let the kooks have their say. they deserve it just as much as anyone else.
i am looking forward to super tuesday though (but not as much as the super bowl). i suspect we'll see big wins by edwards.
and as far as kerry goes, the question isn't how did he do so well in iowa, but rather how did he get of too such a poor start? we'll see how far this "momentum" takes him.
by at 4:58 PM
Does the President have a fey, feminine side? Apparently it's Breaking News-enough for Canada's Globe and Mail, who are probably still scratching their heads about the whole awkward exchange.
Quoth the President:
"Well, you got a pretty face," he told the surprised Mr. Reid. He wasn't done. "You got a pretty face," he said again. "You're a good-looking guy. Better looking than my Scott anyway. You got a right-pretty mouth...squeal like a pig, boy!"
(Okay, the last part was mine, but you kind of get the idea where this is heading already.)
According to the article's title, I wonder in what ways Mr. Bush would *ahem* "prefer" Mr. Reid. Hot Boogie? Bismarck?
Ha. He's like that guy at your local bar who gets a few stiff drinks in him and then starts slobbering repeatedly about how great you are, and just won't shut up until you leave, or knock him across the room. In fact, it's pretty apparent Dubya never gave up the sauce...it sounds like he tossed back a couple of vicodin with his Roby Roys on Air Force One. Rove shouldn't let that bumbling doofus near a microphone, or within earshot of people with pencils and paper.
Then again, it's probably George being his usual asshole self again. In the recently-released Suskind book The Price of Loyalty, former Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill discloses that Dubya's penchant for insulting nicknames continued unabated at cabinet meetings. He called Colin Powell "Balloonfoot!" Jesus, why didn't he just call him "boy?" That's a more than adequate description of Powell's subservient role in Washington.
Life's still nothing more than a frat party for the C-in-C. It's no surprise that he goes to great lengths to make sure nobody ruins his good time--especially when gate-crashing a solemn memorial service.
Give me a call when the grownups are in charge again!
Quoth the President:
"Well, you got a pretty face," he told the surprised Mr. Reid. He wasn't done. "You got a pretty face," he said again. "You're a good-looking guy. Better looking than my Scott anyway. You got a right-pretty mouth...squeal like a pig, boy!"
(Okay, the last part was mine, but you kind of get the idea where this is heading already.)
According to the article's title, I wonder in what ways Mr. Bush would *ahem* "prefer" Mr. Reid. Hot Boogie? Bismarck?
Ha. He's like that guy at your local bar who gets a few stiff drinks in him and then starts slobbering repeatedly about how great you are, and just won't shut up until you leave, or knock him across the room. In fact, it's pretty apparent Dubya never gave up the sauce...it sounds like he tossed back a couple of vicodin with his Roby Roys on Air Force One. Rove shouldn't let that bumbling doofus near a microphone, or within earshot of people with pencils and paper.
Then again, it's probably George being his usual asshole self again. In the recently-released Suskind book The Price of Loyalty, former Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill discloses that Dubya's penchant for insulting nicknames continued unabated at cabinet meetings. He called Colin Powell "Balloonfoot!" Jesus, why didn't he just call him "boy?" That's a more than adequate description of Powell's subservient role in Washington.
Life's still nothing more than a frat party for the C-in-C. It's no surprise that he goes to great lengths to make sure nobody ruins his good time--especially when gate-crashing a solemn memorial service.
Give me a call when the grownups are in charge again!
by at 10:41 AM
"I know my own country best. That's why I despise it the most. And I know and love my own people, too, the swine. I'm a patriot. A dangerous man." -- Edward Abbey
Happy birff-day to Norman Conquest, Wielder of Almighty Axxxe, and Thee Iron Reed, Advocate Angel of Dust. Tits unto you both.
As for the rest of you blessed rabble, Happy New Year. And for the resident Chinese rabble, which is the lot of you as far as I'm concerned, come to our show at Quenchers, January 22nd, and celebrate the Chinese New Year. If memory serves correct, it will be the Year of the ICBM, the first since 1962. Tsingtsao for everyone who can afford it.
More on the closing hand of doom later. Back to the foxhole for now.
Happy birff-day to Norman Conquest, Wielder of Almighty Axxxe, and Thee Iron Reed, Advocate Angel of Dust. Tits unto you both.
As for the rest of you blessed rabble, Happy New Year. And for the resident Chinese rabble, which is the lot of you as far as I'm concerned, come to our show at Quenchers, January 22nd, and celebrate the Chinese New Year. If memory serves correct, it will be the Year of the ICBM, the first since 1962. Tsingtsao for everyone who can afford it.
More on the closing hand of doom later. Back to the foxhole for now.
by at 6:42 PM