Mariah Carey keeps emailing me, asking if I want to see her "fuck and suck." I know "Glitter" was a bomb, but I didn't think she'd be THAT desperate this soon!
(I hate spam. How did I get up on that list?)
(I hate spam. How did I get up on that list?)
by at 1:50 PM
I don't know how many people read Danny Doom's Booze Cabinet, but over there you'll find his inner debate over the strengths of Rush's 2112 and Hemispheres. I think both he and DeRogatis are off their rockers on this one. Spastic overplaying drummer + confused wanky guitar player + a mullet-headed Canadian chipmonk spouting third rate poetry = good rock? No way. The only Rush song I even like is "Working Man," because it kinda sounds like Sabbath and Neil Peart hadn't yet entered the fold. Now Aqualung I can deal with. Sure, that's lame poetry too, but at least the vocals are tolerable. And "Psalm 41" rocks harder than anything in the Rush catalog.
Then again, I've got a certain vendetta against Rush, because it seems to be a big influence in math rock, and I don't like a whole lot of that either. (Probably due to overexposure, being that I live in Chicago.) You see, if you go way back, you can probably condense the roots of math rock to a few main sources: Rush, Metallica, and maybe early Genesis and Yes too. Ah Metallica, there's a big one. Those of you who are in your mid-late 20s, back in the days before many of us knew what "indie rock" was, Metallica was really cool. I mean, they were these 4 ugly dudes who didn't make videos, got no radio play, and still managed to sell millions of albums on word of mouth alone. They didn't write love ballads and swore they never would. Their music was intense, complex, and cathartic, and inspired a lot of people to get serious about playing guitar, myself included. They were the pinnacle of integrity, and we loved them for it.
Pretty soon, Metallica started to go back on their word. They did one video, but the kids forgave them because it was kinda cool and there was no cause for alarm. When Metallica released "Smell the Glove" it was all over. They slowed the tempos down, made a ton of stupid videos, and wrote that love ballad they said they never would. Thousands of people like me were crushed, and abandonded the group as I did. But the kids still addicted to Metallica's odd time signatures, the stop-start patterns, and the extended instrumental sections remained. And many of them find themselves playing math-rock. Coincidence?
Me? I delved further into punk, where you only have to count to four and repeat. Why? Let's face it: You can't screw to 5/8 time.
Then again, I've got a certain vendetta against Rush, because it seems to be a big influence in math rock, and I don't like a whole lot of that either. (Probably due to overexposure, being that I live in Chicago.) You see, if you go way back, you can probably condense the roots of math rock to a few main sources: Rush, Metallica, and maybe early Genesis and Yes too. Ah Metallica, there's a big one. Those of you who are in your mid-late 20s, back in the days before many of us knew what "indie rock" was, Metallica was really cool. I mean, they were these 4 ugly dudes who didn't make videos, got no radio play, and still managed to sell millions of albums on word of mouth alone. They didn't write love ballads and swore they never would. Their music was intense, complex, and cathartic, and inspired a lot of people to get serious about playing guitar, myself included. They were the pinnacle of integrity, and we loved them for it.
Pretty soon, Metallica started to go back on their word. They did one video, but the kids forgave them because it was kinda cool and there was no cause for alarm. When Metallica released "Smell the Glove" it was all over. They slowed the tempos down, made a ton of stupid videos, and wrote that love ballad they said they never would. Thousands of people like me were crushed, and abandonded the group as I did. But the kids still addicted to Metallica's odd time signatures, the stop-start patterns, and the extended instrumental sections remained. And many of them find themselves playing math-rock. Coincidence?
Me? I delved further into punk, where you only have to count to four and repeat. Why? Let's face it: You can't screw to 5/8 time.
by at 11:47 AM
Hey fellow KOS-ers, big news: I'm getting the disk mastered on Friday. We're going with the mighty mastering skills of Mike Haigler at Kingsize. We should be able to have some disks pressed in time for our mini tour. High quality MP3s some time next week! Woo Hooooo!!
Here's where you, the reader, come in. WE need a title for our tour-only disk. SO far I've only come up with "Frampton Comes All Over." Suggest your own ideas at knifeofsimpson@hotmail.com The winner gets a free disk. Hell, everyone who enters should get a free disk. Just send us an address to mail it to, or a highway overpass to exchange it under!
Here's where you, the reader, come in. WE need a title for our tour-only disk. SO far I've only come up with "Frampton Comes All Over." Suggest your own ideas at knifeofsimpson@hotmail.com The winner gets a free disk. Hell, everyone who enters should get a free disk. Just send us an address to mail it to, or a highway overpass to exchange it under!
by at 10:17 AM
Eat pussy, all week long,
Asking my mom for gas for the car,
Playing Playstation, smoking lots of grass
And I top it all off with A BIG PIECE OF PUSSY!
OK, I'd better stop that, I'm devolving into some sort of inside joke nightmare.
I have to try to figure out how the archive section works. I think I'll email some people to see if they'll help me. Me stupid.
Asking my mom for gas for the car,
Playing Playstation, smoking lots of grass
And I top it all off with A BIG PIECE OF PUSSY!
OK, I'd better stop that, I'm devolving into some sort of inside joke nightmare.
I have to try to figure out how the archive section works. I think I'll email some people to see if they'll help me. Me stupid.
by at 10:07 AM
"The Ballad of Eric Casey"? I don't remember the original lyrics. An old high school chum with an unusual sense of humor came up with them in a jam session after we had bitched egregiously about Eric Casey, a severely burned-out retard (and that's really saying something, since we were the burnouts) who is certainly dead or in jail by now. The ones I sang on the live Warhammer radio show were straight off the cuff. How about if I write what I recall and then everyone can contribute a line or two?
Well, I wake up late for school, and I'm brain-dead.
I don't go to class cuz I eat my Dad's ass.
Half a tab of acid is my dinner.
And I top it all off with a big piece of pussy!
You gotta eat. A lot. OF PUSSY!!!!!
Beer and Pussy!!!
Do a lotta drugs, eat a lotta of pussy.
Eat that pussy all nite long.
Well, I wake up late for school, and I'm brain-dead.
I don't go to class cuz I eat my Dad's ass.
Half a tab of acid is my dinner.
And I top it all off with a big piece of pussy!
You gotta eat. A lot. OF PUSSY!!!!!
Beer and Pussy!!!
Do a lotta drugs, eat a lotta of pussy.
Eat that pussy all nite long.
by at 5:11 PM
Anyone in favor of adding "The Ballad of Eric Casey" to the setlist in Carbondale? You know, the one that goes "I don't go to class 'cause I eat my dad's ass?"
by at 4:25 PM
Lawless once again has made me think. Maybe if we catch bin Laden, there's no excuse to widen the "war," which it appears very clear that this administration's only prayer is to keep us at war for at least the next 4 years. Shit, reportedly we ran out of bombing targets in two weeks, and we're bombing deserted airfields now. If we catch our evil ones, the justification for spreading the war will appear as imperialism. If we let them go, we can reasonably enter anywhere we purport they may be and do a little housecleaning in the name of oil. Same shit, different spin. The evildoers will almost certainly be somewhere where there is oil.
I remember that Rambo cartoon series. Nobody ever died, just like in G.I. Joe. They'd always parachute out of the plane or avoid death somehow. It's funny that during those "wholesome" days of Regan, we could simultaneously have a kids show about war, and shield them from the violence and death that accompanies it. Neat trick.
I remember that Rambo cartoon series. Nobody ever died, just like in G.I. Joe. They'd always parachute out of the plane or avoid death somehow. It's funny that during those "wholesome" days of Regan, we could simultaneously have a kids show about war, and shield them from the violence and death that accompanies it. Neat trick.
by at 8:51 PM
And now it's time for another edition of "Late Afternoon with Lawless", the most-damned peculiar children's show since "Rambo: The Cartoon Series"--
What with all the Enron hubub currently making the daily rounds, most folks have closeted or simply thrown out their hastily-bought American flags and forgotten about the war on terrorism. Several months into our punitive expedition in Afghanistan and all the American public has to show for it is a misguided Californian boy, a gaggle of crusty Arabs holed up in a fortified US military base on a supposedly Communist island that we deemed an enemy of the state forty-plus years ago, and a carbo-fearing President eagerly banging a military drum that is rapidly falling upon deaf ears. Excuse me, but whatever happened to those two fellas we wanted "dead or alive", Osama and Mullah Omar? A reporter asked Sec. of Defense Donald Rumsfeld the same thing at a press conference and he replied that they're either in Pakistan, Somalia, Canada or Mars. Okay, so the last two were jokes, but the point is that these men remain alive and unmolested. The American public should be simply outraged. We want these men now and we want them strung upside down and pelted with tomatoes like Mussolini after the liberation of Italy. Next Tuesday, Dubya delivers his State of the Union speech to Congress and is expected to bang the military drum like he never has before, pleading with his cronies for 42 billion dollars to spend on the military. If I were a Congressman, I would organize a coalition of peers to say to Mr. Bush that we will never approve of his plan until he has produced "the evil ones". Quid pro quo, in a sense. The United States arguably has the most powerful and best equipped armed forces in the world, and yet we can't bring these two buffoons to good ol' American justice? For decades the CIA found and helped kill world leaders the world over-- and we can't seem to pin down two of the world's most hated individuals? Two years ago we lobbed a couple of SCUDs at Osama and missed him nestled in bed by two hours. Don't you dare tell me our intelligence operatives aren't doing their job. It just smells like politics to me. Dubya's gonna get his blank check for the military, not to mention his Maginot Line (SDI) and subsequently send us spiraling into a Reagan-styled deficit. I just hope this Enron thing yields political snake-eyes for more than a few of our elected officials.
Watergate, Iran-Contra, Whitewater, Savings & Loan, and now quite possibly Enron. Scandals are the bread and butter of the few remaining newspapers still lumbering about the American landscape like crippled dinosaurs, but this is getting beyond ridiculous. No wonder less than fifty percent of the voting-age public even bothers to darken a polling place anymore. We need a massive overhaul of our democratic process and we need it now. Any ideas are welcome-- but no Communists! You people have done more than enough. Strong minded Socialists need apply, but no fucking Communists!
Ever meet a person that drives a Pontiac Grand Am or Grand Prix that ISN'T an asshole? I swear, one must be endowed with superhuman qualities of schmuckiness to own one of these friggin' rides.
Any man that breaks into another man's home, car or woman is not worthy of the word "human". It's not cool, period. If you can't take it with you when you die then it's not worth the effort. Greed, hatred and intolerance are the bane of mankind.
People who use the word "rawk" are silly timid creatures. "Rawk" suggests a fear and loathing of all things rock and roll, a fear permeated by cynicism and an equally empty sense of cultural irony. Knife of Simpson knows how to rock and they love doing it. The rock Knife of Simpson plays is not and never will be the critically adored and righfully unappreciated "rawk", nor will it ever be the cartoonish and thugishly-embraced "Rock" (with an intentionally capital "R"), a misnomer appropriated by the likes of the Guitar-World-scouring-vampires Limp Bizkit and their lifeless Florida brethren of Creed. No sir, the rock we play and love is the kind celebrated for its genuousness, freedom, passion, and inclusiveness. We don't set out to divide the world, we want to bring it together for a few beers.
And what's with Hollywood actors portraying the mentally handicapped, as witnessed by Sean Penn's latest film? If they want a real stretch of character to earn an Oscar, perhaps they should consider playing someone of another race or gender or ethnicity. I would pay serious money to see Kevin Spacey play the role of Angela Davis or Oprah Winfrey play the role of John F. Kennedy or Jackie Chan play Gertrude Stein. But, then again, I DID see Will Smith play Muhammad Ali (I know, I know, I'm gonna get into trouble for that crack but The Fresh Prince deserves it for making the great Ali look like a bored housewife and letting the air out of boxing-- and don't get me started on their pussy-fart interpretation of Malcom X).
What with all the Enron hubub currently making the daily rounds, most folks have closeted or simply thrown out their hastily-bought American flags and forgotten about the war on terrorism. Several months into our punitive expedition in Afghanistan and all the American public has to show for it is a misguided Californian boy, a gaggle of crusty Arabs holed up in a fortified US military base on a supposedly Communist island that we deemed an enemy of the state forty-plus years ago, and a carbo-fearing President eagerly banging a military drum that is rapidly falling upon deaf ears. Excuse me, but whatever happened to those two fellas we wanted "dead or alive", Osama and Mullah Omar? A reporter asked Sec. of Defense Donald Rumsfeld the same thing at a press conference and he replied that they're either in Pakistan, Somalia, Canada or Mars. Okay, so the last two were jokes, but the point is that these men remain alive and unmolested. The American public should be simply outraged. We want these men now and we want them strung upside down and pelted with tomatoes like Mussolini after the liberation of Italy. Next Tuesday, Dubya delivers his State of the Union speech to Congress and is expected to bang the military drum like he never has before, pleading with his cronies for 42 billion dollars to spend on the military. If I were a Congressman, I would organize a coalition of peers to say to Mr. Bush that we will never approve of his plan until he has produced "the evil ones". Quid pro quo, in a sense. The United States arguably has the most powerful and best equipped armed forces in the world, and yet we can't bring these two buffoons to good ol' American justice? For decades the CIA found and helped kill world leaders the world over-- and we can't seem to pin down two of the world's most hated individuals? Two years ago we lobbed a couple of SCUDs at Osama and missed him nestled in bed by two hours. Don't you dare tell me our intelligence operatives aren't doing their job. It just smells like politics to me. Dubya's gonna get his blank check for the military, not to mention his Maginot Line (SDI) and subsequently send us spiraling into a Reagan-styled deficit. I just hope this Enron thing yields political snake-eyes for more than a few of our elected officials.
Watergate, Iran-Contra, Whitewater, Savings & Loan, and now quite possibly Enron. Scandals are the bread and butter of the few remaining newspapers still lumbering about the American landscape like crippled dinosaurs, but this is getting beyond ridiculous. No wonder less than fifty percent of the voting-age public even bothers to darken a polling place anymore. We need a massive overhaul of our democratic process and we need it now. Any ideas are welcome-- but no Communists! You people have done more than enough. Strong minded Socialists need apply, but no fucking Communists!
Ever meet a person that drives a Pontiac Grand Am or Grand Prix that ISN'T an asshole? I swear, one must be endowed with superhuman qualities of schmuckiness to own one of these friggin' rides.
Any man that breaks into another man's home, car or woman is not worthy of the word "human". It's not cool, period. If you can't take it with you when you die then it's not worth the effort. Greed, hatred and intolerance are the bane of mankind.
People who use the word "rawk" are silly timid creatures. "Rawk" suggests a fear and loathing of all things rock and roll, a fear permeated by cynicism and an equally empty sense of cultural irony. Knife of Simpson knows how to rock and they love doing it. The rock Knife of Simpson plays is not and never will be the critically adored and righfully unappreciated "rawk", nor will it ever be the cartoonish and thugishly-embraced "Rock" (with an intentionally capital "R"), a misnomer appropriated by the likes of the Guitar-World-scouring-vampires Limp Bizkit and their lifeless Florida brethren of Creed. No sir, the rock we play and love is the kind celebrated for its genuousness, freedom, passion, and inclusiveness. We don't set out to divide the world, we want to bring it together for a few beers.
And what's with Hollywood actors portraying the mentally handicapped, as witnessed by Sean Penn's latest film? If they want a real stretch of character to earn an Oscar, perhaps they should consider playing someone of another race or gender or ethnicity. I would pay serious money to see Kevin Spacey play the role of Angela Davis or Oprah Winfrey play the role of John F. Kennedy or Jackie Chan play Gertrude Stein. But, then again, I DID see Will Smith play Muhammad Ali (I know, I know, I'm gonna get into trouble for that crack but The Fresh Prince deserves it for making the great Ali look like a bored housewife and letting the air out of boxing-- and don't get me started on their pussy-fart interpretation of Malcom X).
by at 5:51 PM
SUICIDE? Now, far be it from me to turn up the paranoia knob, but perhaps some important information will follow this man to the grave. Isn't that convenient?
Remind me never to have damning information on anyone in government.
Remind me never to have damning information on anyone in government.
by at 2:27 PM
I think Enron's influence on our nation is more far-reaching than most of us would like to admit. Remember, in most of the year of 2001, Bush took great pains to convince us that our economy was robust, and this was the reason we needed tax cuts. Don't worry, everything is fine. Then, 9/11, otherwise known as the source of every problem with every business in the country. After that, we WERE in a recession, but we were told "the evil one" had little to do with it. As it turned out, we were in a recession since March. Nice of them to let us know.
by at 10:36 AM
Hey there. Because I'd rather eat a dead rat than get work done today, here are a few things that have been bothering me:
The "Big Dick," Knife of Simpson's touring vehicle, got broken into again. The vent window was smashed. (Before you ask, nobody took a shit in it this time.) Even though I've grown to expect my car to get fucked with in Logan Square at least twice a year, I'm getting sick of it. It's more money for nothing. This sucks because they stole one jewel case of a Steely Dan box set I was borrowing. Now I have to buy the whole fucking thing to give it back. (They also got my Zen Arcade case, a few other CDs, and MY DRINK HOLDER. Naturally I proceeded to severely burn my balls with coffee the first subsequent ride.) I thought that was it, but they also got some tools that I forgot I had in there, a couple of sockets and whatnot. Damnit! That'll learn me to leave anything in it. From now on, I'm taking everything out and leaving the door unlocked. Hell, it's not like it's that hard to break into the front portion without breaking a window!
I've found a new place to park it, among the Jettas and Explorers in Bucktown. Hopefully I'll be the least desirable target in the neighborhood. But here's a tip: If you get broken glass in Chicago, go to Grand Auto Glass on Grand + Lawndale. (I think it's Lawndale: It's just east of Pulaski.) It's very cheap and very quick, and they have everything you could need in stock. I swear to God, if I ever caught anyone breaking into my van, I might have to kill them. OJ style. With my bare hands or with a broken bottle. I'm not a violent guy at all, but breaking into a man's van is like breaking into his home. I advocate killing in this instance. And if any of you see someone breaking into my van, kill them.
Why does everybody feel the need to use the word "RAWK?" I may have been guilty of this once or twice, but I'll never do it again. Everybody is using this, like it's a way to denote rock that rocks even more. I've been reading this everywhere. Well stop it, it's getting overdone and silly. That's like me saying "I whipped out my cawk," and that's stupid. Just say ROCK. Don't be afraid of it. R.O.C.K. Good, children.
The "Big Dick," Knife of Simpson's touring vehicle, got broken into again. The vent window was smashed. (Before you ask, nobody took a shit in it this time.) Even though I've grown to expect my car to get fucked with in Logan Square at least twice a year, I'm getting sick of it. It's more money for nothing. This sucks because they stole one jewel case of a Steely Dan box set I was borrowing. Now I have to buy the whole fucking thing to give it back. (They also got my Zen Arcade case, a few other CDs, and MY DRINK HOLDER. Naturally I proceeded to severely burn my balls with coffee the first subsequent ride.) I thought that was it, but they also got some tools that I forgot I had in there, a couple of sockets and whatnot. Damnit! That'll learn me to leave anything in it. From now on, I'm taking everything out and leaving the door unlocked. Hell, it's not like it's that hard to break into the front portion without breaking a window!
I've found a new place to park it, among the Jettas and Explorers in Bucktown. Hopefully I'll be the least desirable target in the neighborhood. But here's a tip: If you get broken glass in Chicago, go to Grand Auto Glass on Grand + Lawndale. (I think it's Lawndale: It's just east of Pulaski.) It's very cheap and very quick, and they have everything you could need in stock. I swear to God, if I ever caught anyone breaking into my van, I might have to kill them. OJ style. With my bare hands or with a broken bottle. I'm not a violent guy at all, but breaking into a man's van is like breaking into his home. I advocate killing in this instance. And if any of you see someone breaking into my van, kill them.
Why does everybody feel the need to use the word "RAWK?" I may have been guilty of this once or twice, but I'll never do it again. Everybody is using this, like it's a way to denote rock that rocks even more. I've been reading this everywhere. Well stop it, it's getting overdone and silly. That's like me saying "I whipped out my cawk," and that's stupid. Just say ROCK. Don't be afraid of it. R.O.C.K. Good, children.
by at 3:38 PM
AS you can see, Knife of Simpson is about to embark on our first road shows ever! That's right kiddies, we're going to tear up the lower portion of this state like Rusty tears through bottles of pachouli. The other good news is that the recording is finally finished! Mastering ASAP! Woo hoo!
Now for what you really came for: The self-righteous political rants! And I'm fittin' to not disappoint you here.
Enron: My favorite new hope for change in this nation. But I fear the same thing I have for a while, that the Democrats are starting to get a little bit...pussy. I'm worried they're not going to go for the jugular here, because they need to. Republicans love to point out that Democrats used Enron money as well (at a rate of 75% less than Republicans, but who's counting?) but that hardly holds water. Bush is now disavowing Lay as if he doesn't know him. Didn't he title his Houston Astro's stadium Enron Field?
They need to go for the kill. If we can waste millions of dollars on an investigation detailing with ejaculation on an unpaid intern, we can surely waste some coin on this. Let's go through Cheney's garbage with that USA PATRIOT Act. Let's stick it in real deep!
Now for what you really came for: The self-righteous political rants! And I'm fittin' to not disappoint you here.
Enron: My favorite new hope for change in this nation. But I fear the same thing I have for a while, that the Democrats are starting to get a little bit...pussy. I'm worried they're not going to go for the jugular here, because they need to. Republicans love to point out that Democrats used Enron money as well (at a rate of 75% less than Republicans, but who's counting?) but that hardly holds water. Bush is now disavowing Lay as if he doesn't know him. Didn't he title his Houston Astro's stadium Enron Field?
They need to go for the kill. If we can waste millions of dollars on an investigation detailing with ejaculation on an unpaid intern, we can surely waste some coin on this. Let's go through Cheney's garbage with that USA PATRIOT Act. Let's stick it in real deep!
by at 2:36 PM
Well, we're slowly getting totally operational around here. The only thing I have left to figure out is the archives section, so you can read all of our other brilliant bullshit. I could use some help getting that to work.
I'd also like to thank Seth from Rock and Roll Hosting for finally getting this thing realized, we couldn't be happier with the service we've recieved so far. You're going to notice many changes, as we're going to try to upload the logo and such for the front page, get some photos up, and other changes. I've got to go find that screed Lawless did a while ago to use as our bio. Also, once I get the logo, I'll let everyone know where we went off to!
I'd also like to thank Seth from Rock and Roll Hosting for finally getting this thing realized, we couldn't be happier with the service we've recieved so far. You're going to notice many changes, as we're going to try to upload the logo and such for the front page, get some photos up, and other changes. I've got to go find that screed Lawless did a while ago to use as our bio. Also, once I get the logo, I'll let everyone know where we went off to!
by at 9:18 AM
A test
by at 4:35 PM
Here is an article that pretty much sums up my feelings toward the Enron scandal. I'm too engulfed in my own battle of a corporation screwing one of it's employees (me) out of money. Here it is.
(This is taken, without permission, from www.barrycrimmins.com. I don't think he'll mind.)
Tom Cole, former chief of staff of the Republican Party, speaking of the Take the Money Enron scandal to the New York Times said, "... particularly in the wake of Sept. 11, this stuff seems pretty trivial."
Let me get this straight.
Enron forced its employees to put all of their pension moneys into its obscenely over-valued stock. At Enron if you wanted a pension, you invested your funds back into the company or you had no pension. The stock's price shot falsely high because of Enron management's fraudulent practices. So the workers were forced to buy stock for $80 per share that is now bringing in close to 30¢ per share.
Enron was central in the rip-off of anyone who paid for electricity in California during a price-gouging scandal that forced many businesses to fold and made many families have to choose between food or electricity.
Then there are all the non-Enron employees who invested all or some of their life savings in the now worthless certificates. Thank goodness the Bushies have been unable to privatize Social Security because you just know a lot of those funds would have been looted in this scam.
Crooked Enron management cashed in its stock when it was at or near its highest price, eventually causing the largest bankruptcy in history. Insider Betrading!
The same management has had unbelievably special access to the court-appointed Bush Administration because of how much money it contributed to its theft of the Oval Office. Its ties to Dubyahoo go back to 1988.
W calls Enron's chief finagling officer Ken Lay, "Kenny Boy." Sort of smacks of familiarity, wouldn't you say?
The Court-appointed Bush Administration knew this was coming and did nothing to protect or warn victims.
Not only that, the White House is brimming with people who were directly connected to the criminals at Enron. These officials either had lucrative financial ties or had worked for the corruptoration (<--- valuable new word) in the past.
I'm sure there's more but my keyboard is about to melt from righteous indignation.
So now Tom Cole has the nerve to attempt to obfuscate these deeds by wrapping the Bush Administration in flags stolen from the coffins of September 11 victims.
Here's what GOP bigwig Cole can do with his sanitized views of the Enron scandal. He can put them in his pocket, get in his big GOP limousine and go to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Once there he can load in the ethic-free Court-appointed Bush regime, take them to Aspen, pick up Ken Lay, and go directly to Hell with all of them. Accommodations will be waiting.
(This is taken, without permission, from www.barrycrimmins.com. I don't think he'll mind.)
Tom Cole, former chief of staff of the Republican Party, speaking of the Take the Money Enron scandal to the New York Times said, "... particularly in the wake of Sept. 11, this stuff seems pretty trivial."
Let me get this straight.
Enron forced its employees to put all of their pension moneys into its obscenely over-valued stock. At Enron if you wanted a pension, you invested your funds back into the company or you had no pension. The stock's price shot falsely high because of Enron management's fraudulent practices. So the workers were forced to buy stock for $80 per share that is now bringing in close to 30¢ per share.
Enron was central in the rip-off of anyone who paid for electricity in California during a price-gouging scandal that forced many businesses to fold and made many families have to choose between food or electricity.
Then there are all the non-Enron employees who invested all or some of their life savings in the now worthless certificates. Thank goodness the Bushies have been unable to privatize Social Security because you just know a lot of those funds would have been looted in this scam.
Crooked Enron management cashed in its stock when it was at or near its highest price, eventually causing the largest bankruptcy in history. Insider Betrading!
The same management has had unbelievably special access to the court-appointed Bush Administration because of how much money it contributed to its theft of the Oval Office. Its ties to Dubyahoo go back to 1988.
W calls Enron's chief finagling officer Ken Lay, "Kenny Boy." Sort of smacks of familiarity, wouldn't you say?
The Court-appointed Bush Administration knew this was coming and did nothing to protect or warn victims.
Not only that, the White House is brimming with people who were directly connected to the criminals at Enron. These officials either had lucrative financial ties or had worked for the corruptoration (<--- valuable new word) in the past.
I'm sure there's more but my keyboard is about to melt from righteous indignation.
So now Tom Cole has the nerve to attempt to obfuscate these deeds by wrapping the Bush Administration in flags stolen from the coffins of September 11 victims.
Here's what GOP bigwig Cole can do with his sanitized views of the Enron scandal. He can put them in his pocket, get in his big GOP limousine and go to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Once there he can load in the ethic-free Court-appointed Bush regime, take them to Aspen, pick up Ken Lay, and go directly to Hell with all of them. Accommodations will be waiting.
by at 4:15 PM
We are scant days away from the dawn of a new era: Dubya dubya dubya dot knifeofsimpson dot com! I can't wait: We'll have to instruct everyone to change their links. We have shows to announce, but that can wait until tomorrow. They're a ways off.
So, as many other Chicagoans did, I went to see Shiner. Here's my take:
DooSu, from Texas, was first. And I didn't think they were half bad at first. Their guitar work was very interesting, super thick and accomplished, and I'm always a sucker for a good 2 guitar team. (I especially liked the guitar player's Nugent-style hollowbody. I haven't seen one of those used in a heavy rock context in a while. Gotta get me one of those.) However, this group kind of got on my nerves. First, they overstayed their welcome by about 15 minutes. Secondly, as the night wore on, the drummer's Neil Peart hommages were getting to be a little much. (I mean, there's no room in a quiet ballad for a complete spasm on all 6 toms that lasts almost an entire song. I guess he's carrying on a Texan tradition in the spirit of Vinnie Paul.) Third, the bass tone had too much treble and was ear piercing and obnoxious. It was hard to stand in front of. It's called "bass," not "third guitar." It was OK I guess. And 4th, someone let that butt monkey from Flickerstick in the door. I'm sick of running into that guy!
Second was Del Ray. Couldn't get into 'em. I was bored. I like vocals and Del Ray left 'em at home. They set up two drum sets which made me curious (after the Texans, I thought Molly Hatchet was up next) but when three songs went by without them being used, I lost interest and played Golden Tee. They also played for a very very long time. It seemed like 2 hours, but I'm sure it wasn't. Sorry. (And I only say sorry because I went to a party afterwords and mentioned that I couldn't get into Del Ray, and this girl nearly bit my head off. All Chicago instrumental bands are apparently mind-blowingly great and if I don't like them it's because I just don't understand music, and I should shut up and kiss their asses for saving rock and roll. Mmm kay.)
Last was Shiner. They were really loud and tight and predictably I enjoyed them a great deal. Again, I love to see really good two guitar teams, and Shiner are among the best. I'm not sure when (or if) I'm going to run out and buy their back catalog or anything, but I'm certainly going to see them the next time they come here. I would have at least bought a tee-shirt if I hadn't spent all of my cash on Pabst and Golden Tee. That's what happens when you arrive equipped with a 20 and forget you still have to pay the cover.
So, as many other Chicagoans did, I went to see Shiner. Here's my take:
DooSu, from Texas, was first. And I didn't think they were half bad at first. Their guitar work was very interesting, super thick and accomplished, and I'm always a sucker for a good 2 guitar team. (I especially liked the guitar player's Nugent-style hollowbody. I haven't seen one of those used in a heavy rock context in a while. Gotta get me one of those.) However, this group kind of got on my nerves. First, they overstayed their welcome by about 15 minutes. Secondly, as the night wore on, the drummer's Neil Peart hommages were getting to be a little much. (I mean, there's no room in a quiet ballad for a complete spasm on all 6 toms that lasts almost an entire song. I guess he's carrying on a Texan tradition in the spirit of Vinnie Paul.) Third, the bass tone had too much treble and was ear piercing and obnoxious. It was hard to stand in front of. It's called "bass," not "third guitar." It was OK I guess. And 4th, someone let that butt monkey from Flickerstick in the door. I'm sick of running into that guy!
Second was Del Ray. Couldn't get into 'em. I was bored. I like vocals and Del Ray left 'em at home. They set up two drum sets which made me curious (after the Texans, I thought Molly Hatchet was up next) but when three songs went by without them being used, I lost interest and played Golden Tee. They also played for a very very long time. It seemed like 2 hours, but I'm sure it wasn't. Sorry. (And I only say sorry because I went to a party afterwords and mentioned that I couldn't get into Del Ray, and this girl nearly bit my head off. All Chicago instrumental bands are apparently mind-blowingly great and if I don't like them it's because I just don't understand music, and I should shut up and kiss their asses for saving rock and roll. Mmm kay.)
Last was Shiner. They were really loud and tight and predictably I enjoyed them a great deal. Again, I love to see really good two guitar teams, and Shiner are among the best. I'm not sure when (or if) I'm going to run out and buy their back catalog or anything, but I'm certainly going to see them the next time they come here. I would have at least bought a tee-shirt if I hadn't spent all of my cash on Pabst and Golden Tee. That's what happens when you arrive equipped with a 20 and forget you still have to pay the cover.
by at 5:01 PM
BUT ON THE LIGHTER SIDE:
In the greatest threat to national security in months, President Bush choked on a pretzel while watching a football game this weekend. You can read all about "The Very Hungry President" here.
I don't know about you, but it's reassuring to know the fate of the free world is in the hands of such a capable leader. When danger bares its fierce teeth and talons I know I want my president to clasp his neck, turn purple and fall mute to the floor, rather than deign to ask for a glass of water, a slap on the back, or a decidedly homosexual heimlich maneuver from a secret service agent. This, my friends, is true leadership--being a MAN, MAN, MAN!!!! God Bless Umurkah.
Seriously, fainting from choking on a pretzel? Take a look at that shiner--does it look like the kind of bruise you'd get from falling into a couch?
Image courtesy of la Repubblica
I bet the First Lady took a swing at the old boy & really cleaned his clock--remember, she's the REAL Texan in that relationship. And look at those scratch marks! Ouch.
In the greatest threat to national security in months, President Bush choked on a pretzel while watching a football game this weekend. You can read all about "The Very Hungry President" here.
I don't know about you, but it's reassuring to know the fate of the free world is in the hands of such a capable leader. When danger bares its fierce teeth and talons I know I want my president to clasp his neck, turn purple and fall mute to the floor, rather than deign to ask for a glass of water, a slap on the back, or a decidedly homosexual heimlich maneuver from a secret service agent. This, my friends, is true leadership--being a MAN, MAN, MAN!!!! God Bless Umurkah.
Seriously, fainting from choking on a pretzel? Take a look at that shiner--does it look like the kind of bruise you'd get from falling into a couch?
Image courtesy of la Repubblica
I bet the First Lady took a swing at the old boy & really cleaned his clock--remember, she's the REAL Texan in that relationship. And look at those scratch marks! Ouch.
by at 10:40 AM
i'm glad the holidays are over. i'm glad to be home.
traveling was very scary this year. i had never seen an m-16 automatic assault rifle in my life until i went to o'hare the other week. that's one scary-looking rifle.
and the scarier thing was, these kids holding them must have only been about 18 or 19 years old. i knew they're properly trained and all, but if they start firing, i don't want to be anywhere near it. and i know those punks are lookin' for an excuse.
i also got my bags checked. in three flights, i was stopped three times. "randomly" they told me. but i know that's bullshit. i know they were looking for my drugs.
they think i'm so stupid. not so! those former welfare recipients can't outsmart me. they'll Never stop me from sneaking my drugs on the plane. i know places they'll never check, and it doesn't even involve any bodily orifices!
i even told them they'd never find my drugs. they didn't believe me.
"don't humiliate yourself," i told them. "you'll never find my drugs! no matter how hard you look. then you'll be the one looking foolish!"
they didn't listen. but eventually, me and my drugs were finally allowed on the plane.
if they did find them, i wonder what they'd do with them. i mean, i'd offer to share!
traveling was very scary this year. i had never seen an m-16 automatic assault rifle in my life until i went to o'hare the other week. that's one scary-looking rifle.
and the scarier thing was, these kids holding them must have only been about 18 or 19 years old. i knew they're properly trained and all, but if they start firing, i don't want to be anywhere near it. and i know those punks are lookin' for an excuse.
i also got my bags checked. in three flights, i was stopped three times. "randomly" they told me. but i know that's bullshit. i know they were looking for my drugs.
they think i'm so stupid. not so! those former welfare recipients can't outsmart me. they'll Never stop me from sneaking my drugs on the plane. i know places they'll never check, and it doesn't even involve any bodily orifices!
i even told them they'd never find my drugs. they didn't believe me.
"don't humiliate yourself," i told them. "you'll never find my drugs! no matter how hard you look. then you'll be the one looking foolish!"
they didn't listen. but eventually, me and my drugs were finally allowed on the plane.
if they did find them, i wonder what they'd do with them. i mean, i'd offer to share!
by at 5:52 PM
Addendum to Creed:
Hell yeah! Creed drains the life from my cereal! All they ever do is sing about crying out of joy and being taken higher and other Coverdale-isms that expired long before they were even born. Creed serves no purpose unless coupled with shaky images of fat ugly co-eds having a difficult time lifting their t-shirts for the Fancam while on Spring Break in Des Moines. I can't tell you enough that if if ever see the lead singers from either Creed or Limp Bizkit on the street, I will go absolute Kissinger-Cambodia on their arses. If some cultural zeitgeist doesn't manifest itself soon then we are doomed to the legacy and complications of Top 40 radio becoming the all-pervasive soundtrack to our lives at every waking moment of the day. It's only a matter of time before "Let the Boobies Hit the Floor" becomes the lead-in track for the NBC Nightly News with the "sexy" Katie Couric (add zipper track at yer discretion).
Addendum to Bush:
Hell yeah! Bush drains the life from my orange juice! All he ever does is mumble in old Hollywood Western jingoisms about routing and smoking out "terrah-ists" while pointing to his shiny self-appointed Sheriff's badge with his long cocaine-nail finger and wetting himself ever-so slightly while fretting over how Uncle Dick (Cheney) is going to deflect that pesky Enron thing from his administration... but since we're at war, the widescreen lovin' public is too busy shittin' themselves over suspected Communist-- I mean terrorist-- no! I mean Islamic-- influence in Iran and Somalia and Iraq and Pakistan and Palestine, that Old Dick in the Mud will manage to get Secretary of the Treasury Paul O' Neill to assume all the blame and relieve himself of his career, thus brushing the whole "scand-uhl" under the proverbial rug, the same rug that protects the 2000 election results and houses Al Gore's lockbox.
Here, here, I love beer! Ain't nothin' short of an embalmed rat is gonna take that away.
Hell yeah! Creed drains the life from my cereal! All they ever do is sing about crying out of joy and being taken higher and other Coverdale-isms that expired long before they were even born. Creed serves no purpose unless coupled with shaky images of fat ugly co-eds having a difficult time lifting their t-shirts for the Fancam while on Spring Break in Des Moines. I can't tell you enough that if if ever see the lead singers from either Creed or Limp Bizkit on the street, I will go absolute Kissinger-Cambodia on their arses. If some cultural zeitgeist doesn't manifest itself soon then we are doomed to the legacy and complications of Top 40 radio becoming the all-pervasive soundtrack to our lives at every waking moment of the day. It's only a matter of time before "Let the Boobies Hit the Floor" becomes the lead-in track for the NBC Nightly News with the "sexy" Katie Couric (add zipper track at yer discretion).
Addendum to Bush:
Hell yeah! Bush drains the life from my orange juice! All he ever does is mumble in old Hollywood Western jingoisms about routing and smoking out "terrah-ists" while pointing to his shiny self-appointed Sheriff's badge with his long cocaine-nail finger and wetting himself ever-so slightly while fretting over how Uncle Dick (Cheney) is going to deflect that pesky Enron thing from his administration... but since we're at war, the widescreen lovin' public is too busy shittin' themselves over suspected Communist-- I mean terrorist-- no! I mean Islamic-- influence in Iran and Somalia and Iraq and Pakistan and Palestine, that Old Dick in the Mud will manage to get Secretary of the Treasury Paul O' Neill to assume all the blame and relieve himself of his career, thus brushing the whole "scand-uhl" under the proverbial rug, the same rug that protects the 2000 election results and houses Al Gore's lockbox.
Here, here, I love beer! Ain't nothin' short of an embalmed rat is gonna take that away.
by at 5:14 PM
THIS BRINGS TEARS, TO MY EYES!!!
MY SACRIFICE!! (duh nu nu nu-duh nu nu nu-duh nu nu nu nu-duh nu nu nu nu nu nu nu nu nu nu)
You know that song? (don't even pretend like you don't. If you've left the house at all in the last two months, you've heard it.) I can't swing a dead cat without hitting that song.
My songs about Jesus are better. At least I don't act like I'm Jesus. What is that dude's sacrifice that he's singing about anyway? Dying on the cross? His marriage? Giving up the last piece of backstage catered steak? That seems more like it. He's getting all choked up because he's hungry, and his cousin Billy-Joe-Bob-Cooter-Bocephus, the dude who claims to be a "roadie" but actually just follows the band around and mooches, ate up all the catering. So he's making a sacrifice, and he's such a big person that he chokes himself up.
I've found, when thinking about this song in this context, it takes away just a little bit of the pain. These next two or three years are going to be among the most embarrasing in our great nation's history, and this song will likely be the soundtrack.
Let's make it the national anthem, while we're at it.
MY SACRIFICE!! (duh nu nu nu-duh nu nu nu-duh nu nu nu nu-duh nu nu nu nu nu nu nu nu nu nu)
You know that song? (don't even pretend like you don't. If you've left the house at all in the last two months, you've heard it.) I can't swing a dead cat without hitting that song.
My songs about Jesus are better. At least I don't act like I'm Jesus. What is that dude's sacrifice that he's singing about anyway? Dying on the cross? His marriage? Giving up the last piece of backstage catered steak? That seems more like it. He's getting all choked up because he's hungry, and his cousin Billy-Joe-Bob-Cooter-Bocephus, the dude who claims to be a "roadie" but actually just follows the band around and mooches, ate up all the catering. So he's making a sacrifice, and he's such a big person that he chokes himself up.
I've found, when thinking about this song in this context, it takes away just a little bit of the pain. These next two or three years are going to be among the most embarrasing in our great nation's history, and this song will likely be the soundtrack.
Let's make it the national anthem, while we're at it.
by at 1:05 PM
BAAHH!! I've had enough of this Bush guy. He's going to kill us all! He's going to bring about the end of the world.
So what has our sly linguistics expert done now? (And we're not even going into his "not over my dead body" bullshit, or into his tax cuts that are certain to be a disaster.) In a move even I know is STUPID AS HELL, Bush refers to Pakistanian people as "Pakis!" That's about as sensitive as using the 'N' word. Everybody knows that! But as long as Bush has his team of handlers answer for him, he thinks he can do whatever he wants. He has yet to apologize for it in person. I'll tell you what, the angry factions in Pakistan aren't going to listen to our spokespeople. They're listening to the guy who supposedly represents us. They get the message loud and clear: Bush, and thereby America, doesn't give two fucks about them, doesn't respect them, and is only using them to get what America wants. Not exactly a stabilizing force on the region, is it? Need I remind Bush that supposedly, bin Laden is in Pakistan? I'm thinking we might need their help with this.
Stupid stupid stupid.
So what has our sly linguistics expert done now? (And we're not even going into his "not over my dead body" bullshit, or into his tax cuts that are certain to be a disaster.) In a move even I know is STUPID AS HELL, Bush refers to Pakistanian people as "Pakis!" That's about as sensitive as using the 'N' word. Everybody knows that! But as long as Bush has his team of handlers answer for him, he thinks he can do whatever he wants. He has yet to apologize for it in person. I'll tell you what, the angry factions in Pakistan aren't going to listen to our spokespeople. They're listening to the guy who supposedly represents us. They get the message loud and clear: Bush, and thereby America, doesn't give two fucks about them, doesn't respect them, and is only using them to get what America wants. Not exactly a stabilizing force on the region, is it? Need I remind Bush that supposedly, bin Laden is in Pakistan? I'm thinking we might need their help with this.
Stupid stupid stupid.
by at 11:16 AM
Oof! Well, I've finally recovered enough to give some reports about the past few days. Last Friday, was that night strange or what? Everybody I knew went butt-wild partying it seems. I awoke to what I've ranked as the worst hangover in my entire life. Even more than the time in college when Jim and I found a half gallon bottle of vodka and mixed it with a carton of orange juice, but Jim wimped out so I drank the whole thing so as not to be wasteful..... It was worse than that, one of those "I'll never have a night like that again" kind of nights. I didn't know if I could even go out on New Years after that. But I did, of course. I had a great time rocking although my brain is still like so much rice pudding. IT made it difficult to engage in this morning's discussion of my abuse of the company's sick day policy. So, I hope to take it easy on the crazy nights starting after Friday. You see, on Friday I'm going to the Empty Bottle to see my good friends Bible of the Devil open up a pretty prestigous show, and that's surely an occasion to knock a few back, eh? You should join me: I'll be the longhair up front sporting a shit-eating grin and banging my fist in the air. It's good that this type of thing happens at the home of "important" music, the stuff that makes you fold your arms and look at your watch. I have to respect the bottle for also catering to the more bohemian crowd, slobs like myself.
So, now it is the year's end. I would have to say that last year has been the strangest year of my life. I know I'm not going to be the only one sharing this assessment, and it was a pretty good year up until September. The most disheartening thing is, at the time (if you read my old posts you'll see this) I thought everything was going to be different after the 11th. I thought it would be an opportunity for this country to truly realize what is important and wake from our national slumber. Unfortunately, the only things that have changed have been laws, security, and tax policies, very little of which seems to deal specifically with what happened. (How do tax cuts for businesses stop terrorists? Why are we allowing the FBI to tap phones without restriction but are not allowing them to trace gun records of terrorists?) We weren't told to cut down on our reliance on foreign oil, we were told to spend and "do your business." Status quo, everything's fine. The same interests are prevailing, and profiting from this crisis. That's fucking depressing, mang.
So, now it is the year's end. I would have to say that last year has been the strangest year of my life. I know I'm not going to be the only one sharing this assessment, and it was a pretty good year up until September. The most disheartening thing is, at the time (if you read my old posts you'll see this) I thought everything was going to be different after the 11th. I thought it would be an opportunity for this country to truly realize what is important and wake from our national slumber. Unfortunately, the only things that have changed have been laws, security, and tax policies, very little of which seems to deal specifically with what happened. (How do tax cuts for businesses stop terrorists? Why are we allowing the FBI to tap phones without restriction but are not allowing them to trace gun records of terrorists?) We weren't told to cut down on our reliance on foreign oil, we were told to spend and "do your business." Status quo, everything's fine. The same interests are prevailing, and profiting from this crisis. That's fucking depressing, mang.
by at 3:43 PM